If you think your life is in danger of being completely pointless, set a Guinness world record. It’ll still be pointless, but now your name will survive for longer than the pyramids. Honest. The Guinness record book has hundreds of automotive records. Here are some of the most interesting and pointless ones.

Frozen turkeys

It occasionally so happens that the fulfilment of a questionably sane record actually improves people’s lives. Here’s one: Sean Click, an American (no surprises here), stuffed 183 frozen turkeys into his Ford Fusion, winning a place in the record book. Then he took them all to the food bank. Gobble gobble, motherfuckers.

Automotive hirsutism

It turns out that even cars can grow hair (a moment of silence for our bald compatriots). They just need a bit of human help. Maria Lucia Mugno glued 120 kilograms of hair to his old Fiat 500 to take the record for the hairiest automobile. She did this after making a bet with her colleague and spending 80,000 euros on the hair and 150 hours glueing it. There’s just one thing we still don’t get - did she win this bet or lose it?

Extraordinary beauty

The end of your muffler is like a woman’s belly button piercing. You may not see it a first (if ever), but it’s definitely beautiful. In the spring of 2020, somebody in the United Arab Emirates solved this problem with a 3.67 meter-long muffler with a 2-meter diameter. This is the beauty you won’t miss.

Mini hat

John Evans has a hard head and a gift from God that he uses to cultivate his own personal record - for holding up vehicles with his head. He has set it three separate times now. In the most recent case, he held up a Mini Cooper S. Of course, the car was so stripped down that it ended up weighing “only” about 160 kilograms.

Reverse

Some drivers are likely to piss themselves at the very thought of driving in reverse. But not Robbie Gibney from Canada, who drove his Ford Crown Victoria in reverse for 800 kilometers at an impressive average speed of 65 km/h. If he did the ole’ arm-behind-the-passenger-seat-turnaround, he might be in the running for longest yoga position, too.

Smells good

The world’s biggest air freshener is 1.18 meters tall and 1.13 meters wide. In perhaps the Guinness record book’s greatest failure, they didn’t write what it smelled like and or how big of a car it was used in.

Autoromance

Sure, some of us love our cars like they were second wives or mistresses to us. Some freaky subset of those people also enjoys kissing their cars. Ernesta Ambrosio and Jesús Juárezas Vite, however, consummated that love with legendary dedication and passionate fervor by kissing their car non-stop for 76 hours. You counted that right - that’s more than three full days. Sure they lasted long, but does it count if they never even got past first base? Simps.

Groping (in the dark)

The Guinness record book says that this was the highest speed-driven while blindfolded, but that’s not exactly true - the driver was blind. In 2014, after a few attempts at an airport, he achieved an average speed of 323 km/h. Assuming that the guy doesn’t drive on public roads, his lifetime average road speed must be insane.

Long

Is the size of an automobile inversely proportional to the size of the owner’s penis ego? Here’s some fuel for that fire. One limousine that was built in 1986 was over 30 meters (100 feet) long. It had a pool with a diving board that can be converted into a helicopter landing pad and, of course, a giant bed. That’s for when all that impressive length proves to be overwhelming. What happens immediately after is anybody’s guess.

A vintage report:

Automotive Guinness world records, vol. 1

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