Let’s assume you’ve got the owner’s manual, spare tire, bandages, toolset, and all that other mind-numbingly boring shit out of the way. Car essentials are much more than that, and yes, we are talking about condoms. Toothpick, Playboy and nuts are among them as well. Time to take care of the stuff that really matters.

Cash

Some of the greatest obstacles you’ll encounter on the road can be cleared with a coin or two.

Condoms

Are you thinking what I’m thinking? That’s right! They’re great for covering your side mirrors during cold nights so they don’t frost over. Practical and beautiful. Great minds think alike.

Napkins

There’s always something spilling on your seats. Plus, fussing over your fake leather seats with a napkin may help convince her that they’re actually those real leather seats you couldn’t afford. You sly dog.

Matches

Forget “I spy.” The best way to spice up a road trip while driving is a game of “hot potato” with a live match!

Single-use grill

Wearing this on your head will keep you safe from the 5G radiation that cell phone towers use to spread the coronavirus.

Corkscrew

There are probably better weapons for the zombie apocalypse, but few are as brutally intimate.

Pen

There are probably definitely better weapons for the zombie apocalypse, but if you survive with a pen and a corkscrew, they give you a medal at the end and make you king.

Roll-on deodorant

In an emergency, you can tear out the roller ball to play table tennis.

Nuts

Never underestimate the power to gather an army of squirrels to do your bidding wherever you go.

Toilet paper

Your digestive tract is home to about 3kg of microbes who want nothing more than to watch your asshole burn. Don’t let the terrorists win.

Plastic cocktail straws

In 10 years, when straws have been banned and have nearly faded from the public’s memory, these rare, cherished antiques will fetch a hefty sum on the black market.

Hand sanitizer

One squirt of this potent self-defense fluid in your attacker’s eyes will send them straight to hell on the express lane.

Water gun

Why not, though?

Charger

Use it for auto-erotic asphyxiation, whip play, hand ties - your quickies in the woods have never been hotter or more sadomasochistic!

Strong alcohol

You’ll need some liquid courage when that zombie apocalypse we mentioned finally arrives. Just make sure the ignition’s off and the parking brake is on when you make your last drunken stand.

Toothpick

Believe it or not, the misnomered toothpick was actually invented to open certain older cell phones’ battery covers. The more you know!

An old Playboy

If you tell us you were swatting flies in your car for half an hour as you sat parked under a bridge with this old sexy classic in your hand, we’ll believe you. We’re not here to judge. We just want you to be happy.

Good luck on the road!

Things you’ve got to have in the car with you

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