There is more information to be found online on transporting animals than there is about transporting children. If that’s not enough proof that kittens are better than kids, I don’t know what is. Regardless, you may at one point end up with kids in your car, whether or not they’re yours. Here’s how to resolve any situations that might arise in a car with kids in it.

The child dropped their pacifier somewhere where they can’t reach it

Stop as soon as you can, turn on your emergency blinkers, and find the pacifier. In case anyone behind you honks their horn, shout “I have kids!” and point emphatically at the “Baby on board” sticker on your car. This is the best solution and nothing else will work.

The child dropped their pacifier and is crying

Turn your music up and refer to the previous point.

The child is crying in your car with no clear reason why

Threaten that you’ll abandon them at the nearest orphanage. If this makes them cry even louder, turn up your music until you can’t hear them anymore. If you suspect your child might be too young to understand the difficulties of life in an orphanage or to appreciate your taste in music, take their mind off what’s upsetting them by violently smashing your face into your steering wheel.

You need to secure a child’s seat in your car

Watch one of those mid-day talk shows that teach people how to solve all of their life problems.

The child says they need to go to the bathroom

Stop as soon as possible. Lead the child out of the car to a publicly visible area, pull down their pants, and ask them to fulfil nature’s call. Both the child and the public at large will enjoy this moment of radical honesty and openness, netting you a load of karma.

The child says they’re hungry

Remind the child that the gaping void in their bottomless maw is the reason you’re on the verge of financial ruin. You may also remind them that over-eating is unhealthy and that today is actually a cleansing day. If they do not yet understand the benefits of cleansing your body to help realign your chakras, tell them that if they suck their thumb long enough, it’ll start to taste like strawberries.

The child says they’re thirsty

Tell the child about their alcoholic uncle who was always thirsty so he died of liver cirrhosis. If they don’t understand what “uncles” or “livers” are, spray your windshield with wiper fluid while gesturing at it with your mouth and asking, “What, aren’t you getting any of this? That’s a shame, it’s so refreshing. Tough shit, kid.”

The child says they’d like to play on a phone or watch a movie

LET THEM AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. It’s a fact - smartphone use in the car doesn’t count against the child’s daily limit.

The child can’t play on a smartphone or watch a movie because their vestibular system is under-developed and they want to puke

Children look for role models. Remind them that there isn’t a single story where the prince vomits due to motion sickness while riding his horse or where the princess vomits from vertigo while sitting up in her tower. In fact, nobody in fairytales ever vomits, so if your child wants a fairytale life, it is imperative that they cease vomiting immediately. Get the most expensive and comprehensive interior cleaning treatment you can. Save the receipt and present it to the child on their 18th birthday.

The child wants to listen to their own music

Tell the child that their music’s use-by date has passed. If they ask what the use-by date is, hand them a bottle of spoiled milk. If this makes the child vomit, refer to the previous point. In addition, open the windows so the car doesn’t stink.

The child wants to stick their head out the window

Tell them that anyone who does that will immediately choke as the extreme wind pressure jams their tongue down their throat. Threats and fear always work with children.

The child is sleeping in the car

Draw something mean or inappropriate on their face, upload it to Youtube, and become an online star overnight.

If you have any other questions, be sure to let us know!

Back to school: How to transport children

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