There are only a few reasons why any self-respecting adult should be having sex in a car: uncontrollable passion; the marriage needs some spice; life finds you living out of your car; or you never tried it in your younger years. Rarely is it nearly as good as some magazines will have you believe. If it’s got to happen, however, these tips will help you make the most of it.

1. Cars are for quickies

Car sex makes for an awkward 32 seconds as it is, so unless you’re a black belt in yoga, skip the passionate foreplay and leave the Kama Sutra at home. In your car, quick and dirty is the name of the game. Invite a colleague for a ride on her lunch break. Abscond with your side piece between work and dinner at home. Serenade your wife somewhere between the supermarket and the hungry kids waiting at home. Make a pit stop on the way back from your university to your dorms.

2. Privacy is key

We’re gonna go out on a limb and assume that most of our readers aren’t exhibitionists. If you can’t find a private place, shoot for the cover of darkness. The alternative can be even worse than a ticket for public indecency. Every kid’s got a smartphone these days, so if a flock of gangly teenagers find your car a-rockin’, the video will be going viral online faster than you can say “Tik-Tok.”

3. Wear clothes that are easy to remove

Rarely does anyone actually plan on having sex in a car. These poor choices usually come on in a fit of passion, so at the end of the day, there’s not a corset, construction uniform, three-piece suit, or stocking that will stop you. But if you think there’s just a chance of it happening, try dressing for the occasion. For women, skirts or dresses are a good choice, while men might go for sweatpants (or, uh, kilts?). And another tip for both guys and gals: no panties, no briefs.

4. The driver’s seat is off-limits

There are exceptions. Oral sex and “DIY” are fine. Maybe your partner is exceptionally short. Maybe your car doesn’t have a steering wheel (but we bet most of them do). If you don’t want to draw attention to yourself, choose a seat where you can’t accidentally honk your horn, turn on your headlights, or activate your blinkers.

5. Do it in the rear

Knowing where to do it is just as important as knowing where you shouldn’t. This will save you several minutes of awkward maneuvering in the front seats so you can skip ahead to the good part. The front is hopeless – forget it. Even if you lean the seats all the way back – not worth it. Once you can both tell the time is right, move to the back, lean and push the front seats forward, and enjoy as much space as your ill-equipped shagwagon can provide.

6. Cut the ignition to rev things up

What’s the use of finding a private spot if your running motor might attract voyeurs? Turn it off – it’s safer. Even if it’s below freezing, the heat you’ve gathered inside will last for the few minutes your quickie is likely to take. Your engine will appreciate the break while your suspension system shows you what it’s made of.

7. Opened or closed?

Let’s talk windows. Cars are supposed to be sealed, so if your windows are closed, you’ll soon be sweating harder than Michael Jackson at a Boy Scout meeting. Crack the windows just a few millimeters on both sides – that’ll be enough to ventilate your car without letting out too many of your wild animal noises. You could even put on your favorite mood music! Just watch out for mosquitoes if you’re doing it in the woods – nobody wants a ‘skeeter on their peter.

8. Open the moonroof

If mosquitoes are a non-issue (and your lady’s not a screamer), crack open the moonroof, too. It’ll give you a bit more room to experiment with positions and keep you cool. Bonus points if you stick your head out while workin’ it to check for passersby.

9. Skin sticks to leather

Leather seats are not great for sex (unless you’re prepared to lubricate them, which is a level of dedication we totally respect but are not at all ready for). Your sweaty ass (or thigh, or back, or…) will stick to the seats, making it hard to move. Bring a blanket, towel, or even just a coat to lie on. Preferably something that’s easy to wash…