7 ways to sell your car in the blink of an eye

Sooner or later, the coronavirus comes for all - rich and poor, young and old. When it does, you won’t need your car anymore. Sell it so you can buy yourself a nice coffin and pay the gravediggers upfront (that way, they’ll give you the full 6 feet you deserve). We’ve got tips on how to quickly and easily get rid of your auto-possessions.

1. Fix the important details

Any buyer who’s not a complete fool will perform a reasonably thorough check of your car when they consider buying it. They’ll check if all the external and internal lights work, if the turn signals signal, if the windshield wipers wipe, and if the oil and other fluids are in order. They’ll inspect the body, running their greasy fingers along with it and tsk tsk-ing any real or imagined scratches they find. As such, any seller who’s not a complete fool will take care of all of these potential issues ahead of time. It doesn’t cost much but it’s definitely worth it.

2. Lick it clean

Whether you’re a car or a person, first impressions are everything. Some buyers, their hearts set aflutter by a lovingly waxed ride, might even forget to check the car with a mechanic. The inside matters, too. There’s even an added bonus - you’ll find a wealth of little treasures when you vacuum under your seats, like fistfuls of change, lost keys, or somebody else’s lost and forgotten drugs that definitely aren’t yours and you had no idea how they got there, officer.

3. Straighten out your service history

We all constantly forget to demand our mechanics sign booklets to track what they’ve done. It doesn’t matter. Go back to them and ask them to write something in. And backdate it. And give it a stamp. You’ll burn in hell for eternity if you tell a lie, but it will totally be worth it because you’ll get there in style.

4. Hand your car over to an official reseller

They’re the highway robbers of the modern era. But if your car is all in order and is relatively new, the process will be quick and easy. The last few moments you have to spend among the living may be too precious to personally meet with every potential buyer. Start by approaching several different resellers so you can choose the best offer.

5. Have your car’s history available

Putting all your cards on the table is a surefire way to earn trust. One of the most common questions poker players ask if they see their opponent go all-in is “will you show me your hand if I show you mine?” Boom! You can start the game with an open hand from the get-go, like a Czech student with academic loans at a game of strip poker. Oh hey, what do you know, we provide those right here at CarVertical (the car histories, not strip poker)!

6. Offer it to your friends

Facebook is a powerful sales channel. It doesn't matter if you only have 56 friends, you loser. Put the right listing in the right groups and it'll spread faster than a global pandemic sparked by a wildlife market in Central China that dealt in wild bats. The best part is that if a friend bites, you get to use an exclusive sales pitch: "Would I ever lie to YOU, mate? This baby is MINT!"

7. Slash the price

Cut 20 percent off the average market price, which you will determine by carefully analyzing local car sale websites. Buyers and car flippers will be swarming to your car like flies on shit (and after you’ve waxed it, little will they know just how fitting this comparison might be). Have a gavel and megaphone handy, because you may have to start an auction.

Note: If you happen to survive the coronocalypse with your car intact, these tips will also be applicable for selling your car as you help rebuild civilization and repopulate the earth.