Let’s focus on people trafficking. It’s not something we condone, but given particular shitbags who were recently caught by The French Police and The British Police, we feel that they should have read our latest highly useful piece of consumer advice outlining the Top 5 cars for this criminal endeavour.

1. Ford Transit: The Transit or the “Tranny” has been a firm favourite with everyone from handymen to full-blown crims for over 50 years. Transit can house up to 125 Somalians in relative comfort, and if you factor in some creative thinking, and you can double that figure. In the late 1990s, Ford also dropped one of Cosworth’s 3.0 litre V6 engines under the Tranny’s hood, thus giving you the peace of mind that you can outrun any standard police car.

Check it doing Nurburgring:

2. Volvo 850R wagon: Like any Volvo wagon that came before or after, the 850 is enormous - so much so, the writer of this piece actually considered living in one for a while. The 850’s chasmic trunk can easily house three families, and even more, if you drop the rear seats. How you achieve this, however, is down to your logistic abilities. Our favourite thing about the R though, is what’s under the hood. Volvo’s Swedish Race Mafia division stuck a massive turbo on the Gothenburg manufacturer’s already meaty 5-cylinder motor to give this very safe, very dull, very dependable family wagon 243bhp and a top speed of 152mph.

Santa, I was good, I want autobahn in my country:

3. Mitsubishi Galant VR4 (Eighth Generation): Like Volvo’s 850R, the Galant VR4 is a wagon. Unlike Volvo who is still making excellent and imaginative cars, Mitsubishi is sadly now a shadow of its former self. Happily though, the eighth gen of the Galant VR4 comes from Mitsubishi’s golden era of the mid-1990s and came with four-wheel-drive and a turbocharged 2.5 litre V6 derived from the 2.0 litre unit powering the Japanese manufacturer’s all-conquering Lancer World Rally Car.

Catch me if you can:

4. Bedford Rascal: Cruel and unusual in every single way, the Rascal is a rebadged Suzuki Supercarry minivan, which was badge engineered by the now dead British commercial vehicle producer, Bedford. In spite of its awfulness, the Rascal managed to gain a cult following amongst circus ringmasters wishing to traffic midgets and get a good ROI thanks to the vehicle’s miniscule dimensions and low maintenance costs. Besides its capacity to store many midgets, the Rascal is slow, ugly, and can easily roll thanks to its height.

Dedicated song, sort of funny:

5. Jaguar 420G: The predecessor to Jaguar’s luxury XJ sedan, the 420G was immortalised by British gangsters Ronnie and Reggie Kray in the 1960s. Despite being truly excellent at nonce bashing and kneecappings in London’s East End, it’s unlikely that the Kray Twins dealt with anything like human trafficking because it wasn’t really a thing back then. Apparently. If they did, though, the big 4.2-litre Jag would have been the whip for the job. The 420G had an enormous trunk capable of storing several live bad slags, and its 265 brake horsepower motor could get you outside of the capital to wherever you needed to get rid of them in a respectable time.

Take a stroll:

Obviously, this list is based on conjecture and us rooting around on the Internet. That said, if you are a real criminal who specialises in human trafficking, please do get in touch and let us know your choice of people mover. Then we’ll report you to the rozzers and you’ll go to prison for being an utter cumstain.

The Top 5 Cars To Consider If You’re The Sort Of Bastard Who Wants To Traffic People

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